


Take What You Need

by debwalsh



Series: Deb’s Fictober Surprise! [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Fictober, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Protective Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 18:50:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16225163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debwalsh/pseuds/debwalsh
Summary: Following the events of The Winter Soldier, Steve finally releases himself from care and goes on the hunt for Bucky.  When he finds him, the two old friends embark on a voyage of rediscovery.





	Take What You Need

**Author's Note:**

> The last of the pieces I’d plotted during my drive from NYCC, this really looks the least like what I’d planned. As usual, the boys stepped in and took over.

Steve had been released from the hospital after several weeks of recuperation, despite his protests that he was fine.  Sam had taken to making limericks out of all the ways that Steve was not fine, and Steve had to admit some of them were pretty hilarious.  It was a shame that it hurt to laugh that first week or so.

But he definitely felt like he was healing faster than the hospital was willing to admit, and finally, he had to concede that something felt off.He suspected the hospital was really using his injuries - and they had been extensive, enough to kill a non-enhanced human, and nearly enough to kill him - as an excuse to collect blood and tissue to bank enhanced samples for research.Once the suspicion had formed in his mind, he’d paid close attention the next time the nurse took samples - blood, urine, and interestingly, a DNA swab - and finally had come to the conclusion they were doing more than he’d consented to.Once the nurse was gone, he sent a text to Pepper, asking for assistance. 

An hour later, a Stark Industries attorney had shown up at the hospital with a cease and desist order, and an order for the hospital to turn over all biological samples taken from one Steven G. Rogers.Noise of a lawsuit, reporting to the AMA and the FDA, as well as civil proceedings started to waft around, the hospital administration caved like dust.A Stark physician was then assigned to him, someone that Tony and Pepper trusted not to squirrel away samples of Steve’s blood, and not to milk him for therapeutically unnecessary samples.

Steve had then requested a meeting with everyone on his care team, and leveled them with his patented Captain America is Disappointed in You (TM) look, and went on to point out that the reason he was in their hospital is the first place was that he had been fighting for freedom for all - and that included his own freedom from being treated like a lab rat against his will and without his knowledge.He then went on to tell them that he had not made a final decision regarding legal action, but that he was sure that the hospital would be tightening its procedures going forward, now that the they were being added to the portfolio of Stark Health.

Yes, sometimes Captain America could be bitchy.And Steve Rogers really enjoyed that burn as he’d signed himself out of the hospital and hailed a cab to take him home.

He hadn’t been back to his place since Nick got shot, but he knew from Sharon that a team of volunteers from SHIELD - the good kind, not the Hydra kind - had been in to clean the place, remove the bloodstains, and patch the holes Bucky had made with his high powered rifle.It was, for all intents and purposes, as though the whole thing hadn’t happened.So it wasn’t a surprise to find the place spic and span, but it was an unexpected pleasure to see the card and care package from the gang. He’d have to get in touch with them sometime soon, take them all out for a drink to thank them for their kindness.

He probably should have let Sam and Nat know he was checking himself out of the hospital, but it had just felt so damned good to do something spontaneous for himself for once.It might come back to bite him - his spontaneous choices usually did - but he was tired of babysitters and people pretending to be just hanging out when they are really guarding him.

He was a goddamned supersoldier of legal age, for God’s sake.He really could take care of himself.He just had to convince his friends and colleagues of that monumental truth.

But for now, he had to make some decisions.His SHIELD colleagues had done a great job of cleaning the place, including clearing all the expired food from his refrigerator, so he had nothing to eat in the place.But wasn’t that appliance something that was wonderful and awe inspiring?Not that he and Bucky ever could’ve afford it, but he remembered Buck earning a few extra pennies helping better off neighbors haul their ice blocks up to cool their iceboxes.He’d come back equal parts sweaty and chilled, but a little richer for the effort.People today didn’t get just how miraculous the devices they took for granted were.

But those devices couldn’t lead him to Bucky.He was out there, somewhere.He knew it.He hoped he might still be in DC, somewhere safe and warm, and that he had enough to eat.He needed to believe that Bucky hadn’t been retaken by Hydra, and that they’d find each other again.

But in the meantime, he had a supersoldier metabolism to fuel, so grocery store first, find Bucky second.

&&&

One of the best things about the 21st century was actually something from his own time, just done better.Home delivery.He shopped, filled five grocery carts with the essentials he’d need for the next couple of days, then paid for it all and arranged to have it delivered to his apartment.And the doorman would let them in and supervise while they unpacked the bags and put everything away.And it didn’t matter who he was - this was standard service at his grocery store when you paid for the valet delivery.He liked getting good service because that’s what was on offer, rather than just because he was Captain America.

So after the store, he rode around on his motorcycle for a while, trying to reconnect with the city, get a feel for it, see if he came up with any ideas on where Bucky might be holed up, assuming he’d stayed in the District. 

As dusk fell, streetlights came on, and it subtly changed the topography of the city.He found himself moving from pool of light to pool of light, which meant he was leaving large portions of territory unexamined.Finally, he decided this wasn’t working, and he needed to call it a night.

He’d come up empty, but the ride had helped to clear his head, and he was feeling more himself now.He’d knocked the metaphorical dirt from the hospital off his heels, done some practical adulting, and developed a search pattern he’d start to pursue in the morning.Not bad for his first day out of the hospital.

He rode his bike into the garage, secured it, and started down the alley toward the front of the building.He heard something over by the dumpsters.Not something, someone.Grunting, whining slightly, moving around.

Going through the garbage.

Hunting for food?

When asked later, he couldn’t have pinpointed exactly why he knew, with absolute certainty, who he was going to find as he crept down the alley to get closer to the dumpsters without alerting the other to his presence.He just knew.And he acted accordingly.

It had been commented more than once that he could move pretty light on his feet for such a big guy.It was because he still didn’t think of himself as a big guy that he still moved like he did when he was five foot nothing.And there had been more than one back alley bully he’d gotten the drop on because he could move so quietly.Now he had the added advantage of speed and strength, although he was hoping he wouldn’t have to use either.

He could see the person now, and a part of him relaxed with relief at the same time other parts of his body tensed for the potential fight.

“Buck?” he asked softly, moving slowly now, telegraphing his moves so he didn’t spook him.He had no idea what kind of condition he was in, but if he was raiding dumpsters, he was probably getting pretty desperate.

Bucky raised his head then - it was Bucky, in the flesh, alive, but looking worse for wear.His long hair was matted and dirty, and Steve’s enhanced olfactory sense noted that Buck could use a long, hot shower and probably a hose or two.His face was all but buried behind a healthy overgrowth of beard, and his eyes were red rimmed and shiny.But the most concerning thing was how deeply sunken his cheeks were, how gaunt he looked.How starving.

“Buck, it’s me, Steve.It’s okay, I won’t hurt you, I -“

“Steve?” Bucky answered then, his voice raspy and strained.  “Steve?” he asked again, and Steve could hear the exhaustion, the confusion, the absolute fear in that voice. He wasn’t surprised when he saw Bucky’s face crumple and tears begin to run down his cheeks.  “I don’t ... I don’t know how ... they always ... they always just put me back.  On the ice.  Cryo.  I don’t know how ... Steve?”

Oh God.The Winter Soldier could take out an army with surgical precision, plan an op like the greatest tacticians, but survive on his own?Hydra had left him without context, without resources.And he’d been living like this since the Triskelion fell?While Steve had been lounging around the hospital knitting a new spleen?

But something had led him here, to Steve’s building.Had he been coming here all along, or had he been following Steve since he got out of the hospital?Steve had so many questions, but none of them mattered right now.

Without thinking, Steve had his arm wrapped around Bucky’s shoulders, pulling him close and holding him tight.“Buck.You’re safe now.I promise you, you’re safe.Let me take care of you.Come with me, please?You can get cleaned up, have something to eat, get some rest.I’ll keep watch.I won’t let anything happen to you.Please?Let me?”

Steve could feel Bucky’s arms rise and latch on, full body shudders wrack through him, and then he practically went boneless as the sobs erupted out of him.Steve held him until the convulsions eased, and he’d swear that he heard Bucky breathe the word, “Home” against his neck so softly, it was beyond even the scope of his enhanced hearing for Steve to be sure.

When the tears seemed to die down, Steve urged him toward the front door, but Bucky tried to hold back.Steve didn’t want to force him, but he felt certain he needed to get him off the streets, get him somewhere where he really could be safe.

“Look, Buck, I don’t want to tell you what to do.You’ve had enough of that.But I do want to help you, if you’ll let me.Will you let me?”Bucky nodded wordlessly, his face a mess of tears and snot running down through the grime.“Okay.The best way I can help you right now is for you to come with me, up to my apartment.Are you willing to do that?”Again, he nodded, his eyes wide and frightened as he listened intently to what Steve had to say.Steve could feel the way Bucky’s other senses were evaluating threat, his tone of voice, his body language, probably even his heart rate and blood pressure.He focused on being non-threatening, on radiating warmth and friendship and safety.By degrees, Bucky seemed to relax a little.

“Good.  Let’s go through the front door so I can get you into my apartment.”  And there it was, the trigger that spiked his fear response.  “It’s safe, I promise you.  The doorman is a good friend.  You can trust him.  I trust him.”

Bucky let out his breath slowly, silently.Finally, he nodded.Steve couldn’t help but smile, a wide, beaming smile that revealed just how happy Bucky had made him.Bucky’s eyes crinkled a little as he tried to emulate the expression, but with all the dirt and gunk, it looked more like a grimace than anything else. 

But knowing that Bucky remembered what a smile meant?Steve couldn’t imagine anything more precious.

&&&

They got through the foyer, and Dan, the evening doorman/concierge, started to rush around his desk until Steve shook his head slightly.He didn’t want any sudden moves to set Bucky off. He might be overreacting, but he felt sure that Bucky was still skittish enough that a stranger moving quickly toward him would elicit some reaction, and none of them could afford for it to be a Winter Soldier threat response.

Steve had his arm around Bucky’s shoulders, holding him close.  Bucky was curled into him, the shudders having given way to shivers.  Cold, infection, hunger or all of the above, Steve wouldn’t know until he got him into his apartment.  

“Get the elevator, Dan?” Steve requested, trying to keep his voice light, untroubled. 

“Sure thing, Captain Rogers,” he answered, taking his cue from Steve to move sedately toward the elevator.A single press, and they could hear the mechanical whine of the elevator mechanism.

Bucky immediately reacted, pulling back and answering the elevator’s whine with one of his own.His eyes went wide, and his heart rate picked up alarmingly.Steve sought to soothe him, but it got even worse when the car arrived.Bucky jerked away from Steve and started to turn toward the door when Steve caught him around the wrist.“It’s okay, we don’t have to do the elevator.How about the stairs? You okay to do a couple of flights of stairs?”

Bucky trembled as he watched Steve’s lips move,  Then he nodded jerkily.  

“Okay, good.I’ll take point.You’re on my six, okay?”

The military jargon seemed to soothe something for Bucky, and he visibly relaxed, nodding once in affirmation.He stood up straighter, drew his shoulders back, and appeared to fall into parade rest.Steve smiled at him, glanced at Dan and nodded, and then led the way up the stairs.Having a mission seemed to settle Bucky’s nerves, because suddenly he looked better than he had since Steve had found him - more alert, more composed, more present.

Okay, if that’s what Steve had to do, he would.  Anything for Bucky.

&&&

Bucky had been hesitant to enter Steve’s apartment when they got there, and Steve suspected it was because Bucky remembered the last time he’d been nearby, putting a bullet through multiple walls and Nick Fury’s gut.It took a little urging, but finally he came into the apartment, and stared around him in wonder. 

Steve knew that food was important, but he also felt that Bucky needed to get out of the clothes he was wearing - some amalgam of his Winter Soldier armor supplemented by a ratty looking henley, a hoodie, and a denim jacket.  Everything needed to be laundered if not actually burned, so if he could get Buck out of those clothes, he’d provide him with new ones.  Clean, soft, fresh.  Comforting, he hoped.

That was the plan, anyway.More than an hour later, Steve had finally gotten Bucky out of every layer of clothing he’s managed to pile on, had tried to comb out the snarled tangle that was his hair, had managed to give Buck a decent haircut to liberate the mats rather than brush them out, and had finally managed to coax a desperately thin and fragile looking Bucky Barnes into a hot bubble bath.

Yes, he was a supersoldier.Yes, he liked bubble baths.They made his skin feel and smell good, and the scent helped to relax him.He hoped it would do the same for Bucky.

Bucky didn’t seem to notice his own nakedness as he stepped out of his soiled clothes and into the bath.  He stood in the middle of the tub for a long moment before Steve realized he wasn’t sure what to do.  So Steve explained that he needed to lower his body into the water, settle back against the tub, and just relax for a while.

A moment later, the only thing above the bubbles was Bucky’s head, and the groan he let out was positively pornographic.It rattled around the bathroom walls, clenched around Steve’s chest, and made a nosedive for his crotch.

Okay, that was new.

Dirty scum was already fouling the bubbles, and Steve wondered if he was going to have to bathe Bucky more than once.It didn’t matter.Whatever it took.

“I’m gonna pull together some food, okay?You just relax here, just don’t fall under, huh?I’ll be back in a few.”

Bucky nodded but didn’t open his eyes, just lowered himself under the water and then rose up again, sputtering slightly.

“You’re safe here, Buck.I promise you.”

“I know, Steve,” Bucky answered softly.“But are you safe with me?”

“Always, pal.Always.”

&&&

Over the next couple of weeks, Steve and Bucky gradually learned how to navigate around each other.  Steve learned what immediate events, actions, and words seemed to frighten Bucky.  Bucky learned that Steve wasn’t going to give up.  Steve figured out strategies to help Bucky deal with triggered episodes. Internet, so useful.  Even more useful, Sam on speed dial.  Pepper, too.  Their concerns were duly noted, promises made to reach out if things got too tough, or if Steve got lonely with only Barnes for company.  As if.  Steve just teased Sam that he missed their little races where Steve handed Sam his own ass.  Sam reminded him that Steve needed to be reminded every so often that there were other kinds of people in the world.  Steve felt lucky to have found Sam.  He was going to have to find a few moments to get together with him again sometime soon.  When Bucky was better.  

Steve was especially touched by Pepper’s declaration that she’d put Stark Legal on Bucky’s case to quietly investigate what could be done to help him, including clearing his name and reinstating his citizenship - his very existence.Pepper didn’t promise the moon, but she promised to try to get it for him.

Tony?Well, Tony made noises about wanting to examine Bucky’s arm, about JARVIS decrypting the Hydra data dump, something about Clint following a trail that was pointing to an old missile silo in Siberia, and Maria Hill coming to work for him. And a suggestion that if Pepper’s project didn’t work out, Cap and Barnes should think about emigrating to Asgard.

Nat wanted to visit, and Steve put her off, wanting to give Buck time to acclimate and heal before he had to deal with other people.For once, she backed off, promised to keep in touch, and instructed Steve to “watch out for that heart of yours.”

Bucky learned that it was okay ask for things, that Steve would never hurt him.Steve learned how to put everyone else in the world on hold while he dealt with Bucky’s needs.Bucky learned to articulate preferences haltingly, but every time he said he liked or didn’t like something, Steve practically celebrated.Together, they learned how to move around each other, how to read each other, how to fall back into the non-verbal shorthand that had been so much a part of those two boys from Brooklyn.

It was slow.It was difficult.It was painful, and there were times when Steve went into his room, punched his pillow, and wept.But there were also times when Bucky’s face lit up with a smile that made Steve feel like there was nothing they couldn’t conquer, so long as they did it together.

Bucky was starting to visibly gain back weight, and the gym space in Steve’s apartment became an early favorite for them both to spend time together.Sometimes they’d talk, sometimes they’d just use the equipment and feel comfortable that the other was there.

Steve learned how to shop online, and ordered an entire wardrobe for Bucky as well as a month’s worth of groceries.  He’d also learned the wonders of online banking, only to find himself utterly gobsmacked at his current net worth.  He ordered another month’s groceries to be delivered, and contemplated purchasing a second refrigerator.

The delivery service organized his fridge and pantry, but there were still a number of things that didn’t have a home yet.Steve and Bucky stood in the kitchen staring at all the as yet un-put-away food.

“There’s so much.”

“Too many choices.”

“How do people get anything done?It must take them forever to just to decide what coffee to have in the morning.”

“Yeah, but sometimes choices are good, Buck.  Like what flavor ice cream,” he suggested, holding up two gallons of different flavors of ice cream.  Then he plucked at the neck of his t-shirt, “Or which t-shirt is softer.”  Bucky was starting to grin at him, and he felt his heart rate pick up.  He dragged two fingers down the skin under his eyes, and added with a goofy expression, “What your favorite color is.”  And finally, he leaned on the counter, laced his fingers together and rested his chin on the weave.  “Who your favorite person is?” he added with a hopeful smile, batting his eyes outrageously.

“That’s simple,” Bucky answered, his face serious.“My old Aunt Maude.”

Steve felt equal parts disappointed and elated.“Old Aunt Maude?Aunt Maude who used to tan your hide for stealing her homemade fudge?That Aunt Maude?”

“Did I have another?” he asked, brow furrowed in confusion.

“No, um, there was just the one.Why of all the people you’ve known, old Aunt Maude?”

“‘Cos I’d like to have some fudge?”

“So if I give you some fudge ...”

“You’d be my favorite person, definitely.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure now?”

“Yeah, absolutely.”

Steve could not contain the glee that coursed through him as he leapt to paw through the items arrayed across the counter.He found the beribboned box of artisan fudge he’d splurged for, and presented it with a flourish to Bucky. 

Bucky stared at the box, his features stricken, eyes wide and lower lip trembling.

“Buck?”

“I ... I don’t know what to do.”

Steve felt his heart break at that.  He held the box in his palm, and plucked at the ribbon to free it.  Then he carefully lifted the lid, pulled back the waxed paper, and revealed the blocks of creamy fudge - chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, dulce le leche, and even plum.  “You just take one, give it a try.  And then you take more if you want it.  Take what you need.”

“Need.”

“Yeah, Buck.  You can want things.  You can need things. You can have things.”

“I can ... have ... things.”

“Yeah.We’ve been working on that, right?You can have things.You can want things.You can ask for things -“

“And I can need things,” Bucky finished, nodding.He reached into the box and selected a sliced piece of fudge, lifted it to his nose and sniffed it appreciatively.He smiled at Steve as he took a tentative bite, his eyes falling closed in bliss as the flavor burst across his tongue.“Mmmm,” he murmured, and his smile grew wider.“Good,” he pronounced, opening his eyes to look directly into Steve’s.“But I’m not worth all this, Steve.I’m not worth you setting aside your life, putting down the shield, just because I’m broken.I’m not worthy.”

Steve felt a flare of anger, cold and pure.“You listen to me, James Buchanan Barnes.You’re worth everything to me.Everything.I don’t want anyone else, I don’t want the shield, not if you need me.”

“And what if I need you?  I mean, really need you?”

“Need me?”

Bucky held his gaze for a beat, two, three.His smile thinned out into a worried frown, the crease reappearing between his brows.Then his lips flattened out with determination as he nodded to himself.Mission focus sharpened his features, and Steve felt his eyebrow quirk up with curiosity.

“Need you,” Bucky breathed, shifting forward to press his lips against Steve’s.

Time stilled, winnowed down to the pure point of contact that was Bucky’s lips touching Steve’s.His heart stopped, his breathing halted, all sound bled away.There was no distraction from that perfect moment until the sound of a sob competed with the sense of a whine, and Bucky stepped back abruptly from the kiss just as Steve stepped forward into it, hand reaching up to bunch in Bucky’s shirt and draw him closer. 

The sob died away into a moan, the whine disappeared into the thudding of his heart, and time restarted with hands clutching, fingers threading, lips moving, and bodies coming together.

Finally, the need to breath took the ascendant and they broke apart, panting.

“Need you,” Steve breathed fervently.

“But Steve -“

“Did you mean it?  That you need me?”

Bucky nodded energetically.

“I need you, too.”He lifted his hand to smoothe back Bucky’s hair, trail along the side of his face, and cup his cheek gently. “And I’m not perfect, either.I’ve been, I dunno, broken, too.Since the ice.Being with you ... I finally feel whole again.So, yeah, Bucky Barnes.I need you, too.”

“Then take what you need, punk,” Bucky replied, tilting his face to claim another kiss.

“Only if you take what you need, too, jerk,” Steve replied with a smile that lasted kiss after kiss.

 

END

**Author's Note:**

> This is a great writing exercise, trying to write something every day. I know I’ve got WIPs pending, and I promise you nothing is forgotten. It’s a great mental palate cleanser to work on a new idea every day. At the same time, I can feel issues and knots in some of the WIPs resolving and coming undone, so expect more from me in the coming weeks. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are the breath of life! Don’t forget to bookmark or subscribe to the series!


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